Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.

Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.

Get in the van!

me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!

*jogs after van*

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”