tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
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[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions