tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
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BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?