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@portmanteauface

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin

@recursivetaco

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

@aotakeo

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

@TheNardvark

Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.

@lemmywinkler

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

@QwertyJones3

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

@mack44_d

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

@truegritrumble

Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?

Sidewalks™

@bacon_gillepic

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good