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@weinerdog4life

When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.

@TheHyyyype

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?

@ItsAndyRyan

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

@SondraDeeMe

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

@Mom_Overboard

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

@Marlebean

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

@FeralFerrell

When people ask “who hurt you” they do not want to see a laminated list of names with short descriptions of each heartbreak. I know this now.

@jctwritesstuff

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

@therichards5

<in bed>

<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!

<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered

<dog barks at door>
STFU!