Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
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Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good