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Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting


Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?

TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin


Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.


Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know


Pretty cool that Sarah Connor saved mankind by raw-dogging a total stranger claiming to be a time traveller at the height of the AIDS scare.


The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.


[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit


My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.


Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?



A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good