Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
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Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing