Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.

In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.

I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”

Peaches is our dog.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!

*walls fall over revealing secret lab*

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.

I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.