Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”