Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I forgot to take my packed lunch to work today, but luckily I found a banana which was strangely duct taped to a wall
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell