Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth