Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Thankfully, these political ads will be over soon, then we can move on to the civil war stage

Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs

I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then

Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:

Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot

It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?

lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose

God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell

lucifer: what?

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.

Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

*bakes 12 cookies*

*waits for family to come home*

*eats 12*

*family arrives*

5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”

“Weird! Here’s a salad.”

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.