Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
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Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done