Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
me when I see my crush
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?