Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
When you put it that way… 😂
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.