Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

In banana years, I am bread.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg

My dinner: Haribo

Skip intro

Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.

Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.

Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!

Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.

I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.

So: a needle pulling thread

Thread: a way to stack your tweets

Tweet: the thing I did instead

When they honked at me to go

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon