twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
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My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Made something I’m not proud of
