How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
Mornin
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
2 years later
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy