Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
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My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.