Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fruit ninja: [about to strike]

Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]

Fruit ninja: omg seriously

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.

I cannot stop laughing at this

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.

dam girl

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

[first day as a police sketch artist]

Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?

Me: I used to do this at the zoo

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

[middle school]

Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.

Teacher:

Me: mass genocide just to name one.

Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.

I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.