@MaraWritesStuff

Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.

You Might Also Like

@dorsalstream

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

@4SLars

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

@BriarSlyMalice

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: Which academic course did you find most difficult?

Me: spinach

Interviewer: you mean Spanish?

Me: exactly

@squirrel74wkgn

My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.

@SardonicTart

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

@PleaseBeGneiss

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

@NeinQuarterly

A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”

@TheAlexNevil

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

@Ideal_Victoria

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*