SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
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If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Interviewer: Which academic course did you find most difficult?
Interviewer: you mean Spanish?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
A friend’s father had been using LOL to mean lots of love. This explained such messages as “Your grandmother’s in the hospital. LOL.”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*