Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
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he chose this
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Teach your children to beatbox
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no