TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
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Can you read?
Yeah
Can you read out loud?
I guess*news anchor qualifications
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?