TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
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PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?