Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life

Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

the last thing a carrot sees

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

Team leader: This is a do or die situation.

Me: It absolutely is not.

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

👻

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”

Have kids they said…

What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.

[me as a knight]

Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?

Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm

Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time