Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Superman: Seriously?

Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.

me: i feel terrible

my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?

me: uh, not really

my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

“What’s wrong with our country?”

OBAMA!

“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”

OBAMA!

Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings

he’s sick of your bullshit today

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies