Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?

Me: Mariah Carey.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”

Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”

“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”

Boss: “Just go..”

I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit

me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better

cop: you need to maintain the speed limit

me: *knocks book out of cops hands*

cop: are you trying to get arrested

me: yes please

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs

hair stylist: *visibly pales

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”

All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep

These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!

I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”