Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar![]()
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Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
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I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
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[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
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Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad