Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

that de-escalated quickly

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

smartest karate player in the world

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.

mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.

This pretty much sums up my life choices.

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

Every family has a crazy aunt.

Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me