Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
You Might Also Like
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.
the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.