Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
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A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
yeah nice try. not falling for that again
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
tis the season
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress