Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about

i actually laughed 😩

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

her: what’s your last name?

me: it’s French

her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?

me: no my last name is literally just French.

her: oh how fun, do you speak French?

me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?

If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”

See how stupid that sounds?

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture

[first date]

Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.

Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me