Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.

finally found a reasonable question

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.

I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.

Me. I hit him.

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.