Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

There’s no “I” in angel.

But there is one in devil!

bad news gang

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

*serious situation*

My brain:

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries