Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

[on an interview]

Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*

Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*

Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.