Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.

*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

[on a first date]

“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.