Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.

*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver

Soft pretzels come one of two ways:

– no salt

– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm

Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle

me: after this song, hold on

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

ashley: hey

ashleigh: heigh

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.

Alien: We come in peace

Human: Aw man, we hate that

I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.

My favorite female superhero