[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
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Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
I’m having an out of money experience.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…