@dubstep4dads

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

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@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

@huntigula

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

@mommajessiec

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

@mommajessiec

My husband and I decided to be more honest with each other. In related news, he’s been sleeping on the couch.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

@iinkedZombie

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

@LittleMissAngr1

Me: *dripping in sweat and covered in scratches* You should see the other guy!

[Camera pans slowly to sports bra crumpled on the floor]

@SteveKoehler22

The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”

@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.