Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]

Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”

Harsh but fair

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”

My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

“Name?”

Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…

“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”

– my voicemail message

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands