*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
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Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Happy birthday to all the women
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti