Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Happy birthday to all the women

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

[straw house]

Wolf: [big inhale]

[gun cock from inside]

Wolf: [soft exhale]

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Great game to play with friends

Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

First I was a pebble..

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.