Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.

Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

Momma, I hid my milk!

-A Parenting Horror Story

Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom

Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?

It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.