[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
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Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa