Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date

DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

there are only 2 generations:

-America’s Funniest Home Videos

-Tik Toks

All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.

Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!

Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.

Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*

M: …ignore that.

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink

OCTOPUS: Oh hey

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.

And then start talking gibberish again.

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.