“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
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holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!