“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
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Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
What?
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
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Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could