“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.