“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
english majors be like furthermore
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat