Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”