Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.

Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.

stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree

When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”

I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

Asking the real questions!

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.