Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.

Ha.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating

Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

[help desk at the mall]

Her: can I help you?

Me: I want this desk to help me

Her: it doesn’t work that way

Me: it doesn’t look busy

Her: it’s a desk, sir

Me: a help desk

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

For anyone that’s still confused here’s a cheat sheet for this week.

Sun
Idk
Wtf
Idk
Idk
Wtf
Sat

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber