@MarlonBrandNO

[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

@stephenjmolloy

[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*

@atanenhaus

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

@animaldrumss

moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

@AmishPornStar1

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

@SteveSuckington

[job interview]

“What’s your..”

*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic

“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”