‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
moron: “duhh, i hate taco bell, every time i go there i get diarrhea”
me: try getting tacos instead, genius
Jelly. Baby needs jelly.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
*interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic
“Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network”