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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.