You Might Also Like
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Catercrombie & Fish
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
this post was so formative to me
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????