Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.

Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

Guys, I found it.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.

Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out

He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink

– me with a broken jaw

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.

(wins at death)

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the bible

CHEWBACCA: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also the bible

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy