Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
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Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
THIS HEADLINE
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves