Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Want to try some vegetable chips? They don’t taste as good as potato chips, but on the plus side, they’re way more expensive.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Saturday
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.