Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified