Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
You Might Also Like
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.