Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I was out LATE late (for this town) with some clinic girlies and a dude approached our circle and reached out to touch my girl’s lower back so I grabbed her waist and pulled her forward and yelled ARE YOU LOST DO YOU NEED SOMETHING CAN I HELP YOU at him. anyway it was her husband
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Inside you there are two wolves
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.