Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
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How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
“How’s your day going?”
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?