Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.

HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!

Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?

Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges

*jazz hands*

“Stop hitting me.”

-Rock bottom.

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.

My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?

Boss: Are you asleep?

Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off

B: That’s unacceptable!

M: I apologised, didn’t I ?

B: And where are your pants?

M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight

Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!

Me: *runs away*

why isn’t thunder called soundning

my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:

· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750

me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.