Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
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OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.