Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already

coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm

Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” & maintain eye contact

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.