twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
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Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Science is fun!
#nottrue
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?