twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff
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If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Kermit goes Blue.
There is no “we” in pizza
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
🇺🇸🤭
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*