Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.

I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.

The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

what’s more important?

If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train

There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.

When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.