Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time

[around a campfire]

Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?

Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…

[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.

Well three can play at that game.

captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals

crew: I I captain

Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺

Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups

Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.