Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
You Might Also Like
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”