Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
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This 4th of July, please remember…
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.