Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Flirting is fun

Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.

them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

I told my vodka about you.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?

Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.

Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

detective: when did this happen.

edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

<—- homeless romantic

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”