Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

the internet helped stupid ppl find other stupid people, making them all think it’s okay to be stupid.

There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?

It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?

LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*

Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.

Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello

Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon