Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.

A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”

I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

January has been Januweary

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.

*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*

My child: Can I help?

Me: *straight up hissing noises*

me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this

midwife: she won’t

Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right

[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]

Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.

Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

“Why the hell wooden I be?”

– Pinocchio

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

ME: You could cut the tension with a knife

CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat