Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.

me: i’m late

boss: again?

me: it’s yours

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building

Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!

Me: Oh you are so full of shit!

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.

Reasons to not go camping No.154:

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics