@SwanieChicken

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

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@FatherWithTwins

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

@SortaBad

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

@daemonic3

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

@MarfSalvador

[Valentine’s Day]

Me: I got you a bunch of flowers

GF: Thanks

Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too

@Jake_Vig

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

@spittingllama_

When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.