Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.