Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
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*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
well this is just bullshirt
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Home is where your toilet is.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more