If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
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HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Social distancing in Australia:
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
🤣dope
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???