@Cali_Kid_Mike

Twitter Clique: (n) a small exclusive group of friends who promise to tell each other they are funny.

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@Eminem

DEAR @NETFLIX,

REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!

SINCERELY,
MARSHALL

@charlieluffagus

I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…

@Burger_Time_

[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first

@mattytalks

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

@JohnFugelsang

Somewhere in Heaven…
Abraham Lincoln: The ppl who claim to be my followers just totally misquoted me.
Jesus: You don’t say.

@ValeeGrrl

[at son’s Little League game]

ME: which one’s yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field

@sentientbomb

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

@Tbone7219

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

@jessokfine

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.