– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
i’m so sick of this guy
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
